Topic: Pocket Taser Gun
Note: Some content may not be suitable for children 13 and under. You've been warned.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket taser for their anniversary:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was out 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant aloowing her adequate time to retreat to safety and every woman needs something to protect herself with right?
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing. I wqas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!
Unfortunately I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her micorwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this think out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in the other. The directions dais that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make you assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
And burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long less than 3/4 inch in circumference (pretty cute really), loaded with two itsy-bitsy triple-A batteries and thinking to myself 'No possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there along, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say 'Don't do it dummy' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little old thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my n*ked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION... WHAT THE HECK!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran through the side door, picked me up in my recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest positionm and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging over the fireplace obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: if you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor... a three second burst would be considered conservatice? IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure as time was a relative thing at that point) I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the manetl above the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about eight feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novacain and my bottom lip weighed about 88lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return
P.S. My wife loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
"If you think education is difficult try being stupid."
B)
