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There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.
It takes you 24 weeks just to watch what Jack Bauer does in a single day.
Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes.
Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.
Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a b**ch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
HAHA, awesome!!! love Nedles' post!!! and the secret service one is awesome, too! 
I agree with LSM.
Jack Baur took out 500 terrorist soldiers with a paper clip, a piece of chewing gum, and a used napkin.
Jack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.
When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"
If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1".
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer once showed up late for work. CTU adjusted their clocks accordingly.
Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Jack Bauer was once charged with attempted murder in Los Angeles County, but the judge dropped all charges because Jack Bauer never "attempts" murder.
When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it
Those were pretty good.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets.
When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
If Jack Bauer misspelled a word, then your dictionary is wrong.
Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That's why there is no life there.
In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
Jack Bauer smashes scissors, cuts paper, and covers rock.
Jack Bauer once gave a terrorist CPR just so he could kill him again.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in three moves.
ROFL
"Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys."
That's a good one, Atrox!
The only prerequisite to becoming a CTU security guard is being able to accept being rendered unconscious by Jack Bauer.
If Jack Bauer needs backup, he looks in a mirror.
lol
CTU stands for Crying Tiny Umpires, jk.
( punches spartan in the face.)
If Atrox was going to hit him then I was going to.
Lets do it together
( Both punch him in the face.)
Sounds good but I will kick him in the face after you punch him in the face.
then well give him a beef stew.
Let me have some!
** Picks up Spartan, and sets him in a chair **
I'm going to place all sorts of chemicals in your body...
Spartan: Gah!
** Injects 60 grams **
Spartan: Mmm! GAH! GAH! Huwah! GAH! *Dies*
Woops.
ahhh man he died to fast, nice going hovoth.
** Injects 60 grams **
Woops.
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wow that's a lot. you're pretty evil, hovoth 
