fan fiction scroll18 Things You Don’t Want to Hear or Know on the Ebon Hawk – KOTOR

 Bastila ShanCanderous OrdoCarth Onasi

1.) Bastila’s constant reminders of the Dark Side. Seriously at every planet, she goes “Don’t fall to the Dark Side ’cause I never will!”

2.) “Are we there yet?” No. “Are we there yet?” No. “Are we there yet?” No. “Are we there yet?” *sigh* Yes, we’re there. “Liar! Seriously, are we there yet?” *sigh*

3.) “This the way to ignore people, ignore people, ignore people. This the way to ignore people and this is how it goes.” What? *repeat lyrics over and over until your victim dies from off-key voices, it really works* (heh, sorry when i was younger, my cousins and i do this all the time on traveling trips to pass the time. now they’re are boring)

4.) Canderous Ordo and Carth Onsai fighting about the result of the Mandalorian War, comparing the defintions of soldiers and warriors. (Compared anything else, lately guys?)

5.) “AHHHHH! Who wrote scribbles on my face with peramanent marker while I was napping!” Carth yelled pointing to his face. Mission ducked under the table, giggling her head off, holding the marker. “Good Mission.” *Revan smiles then looks at Carth who is boiling mad* “Uh… I mean bad Mission that’s very wrong of you to do that. You should know better!”

6.) Hey! Who ate all of our food rations! *Everyone points at Zaalbar* Zaalbar stop having your midnight muchies or I’ll lock up snack time!

7.) Zaalbar, why didn’t you tell me you weren’t house-trained! Go outside the ship and do that!

8.) Carth singing off-key and dancing to the song ’Bringing Sexy Back’, Mission videotapes (without him knowing it) it and puts it on youtube.com where it got five stars. Carth dies of embrassement and chokes Mission (The Simpsons stye, Homer and Bart) then sees obsessive fangirls chasing him, making him still at large. Wanted: Carth Onsai, found alive. Reward: his orange trademark jacket (some people find orange hot. why? i don’t know) Who knows what would happen if he happens to get captured?

9.) Juhani has a constant mood swings that are absolutely annoying. Jedi mood: I’m serene and calm. I’m a Jedi not a Sith.  Dark Side mood: ARGH! Taris! Slavery! My parents!  Light Side mood: No, I can’t do this. I’m not suppose to lose my anger and fall to the Dark Side again. I… resist the Dark Side.  Admiring Mood: Oh, Revan! You’re so calm and peaceful. I wish I could be just like you! I love you!  Revan: Are you on crack?

10.) Juhani has been stealing my clothes. She started sniffing, claiming to be looking for poisonous gas. I swear that she sniffs my hair at night and watches me dress in the morning. She once invited me to watch the sunset together with her! I wished I killed her on Dantooine! *Dark Side Points gained as evil music plays*  Wait, I didn’t mean it that way! I’m just annoyed at her! “What the hell is wrong with Revan? Why is she yelling at the sky like that?” ”I don’t know. Maybe Revan is having a moment.” *Revan images bad thoughts; Dark Side points gained*  Huh? Ha Ha Ha!  *Dark Side Points gained* *Dark Side Points gained*  Ha Ha Ha! Fear my Force Lighting, Juhani! *Dark Side Points gained*

11.) “Where is my kitty-litter? Dammit people if I don’t it in five seconds, I… No, Calm down Juhani this is the way to the Dark Side.”

12.) “Damn the young today! Where is my fasle teeth and my hair? I’m old! I can’t find anything on this damnable ship!”

13.) “Don’t fall to the Dark Side!” ~ Tattooine

14.) “Don’t fall to the Dark Side!” ~ Kashyyyk

15.) “Don’t fall to the Dark Side!” ~ Manaan

16.) “Don’t fall to the Dark Side!” ~ Korriban

17.) “Whoops! I fell to the Dark Side! I’m totally evil, yay! Now join me! Together we shall rule the galaxy with you at my side… Um, I mean, with me at your side. Yeah, that’s what I meant. Forgive Lord Revan… for now.” *cackles evil laughter* “Ahem! Excuse me!”

18.) Great, Bastila is now a spoiled Sith Princess. Why do these things always happen to me? HK, can you blast her for me? I’m tired dealing with her.

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RevanBodyguard trying to be funny but sucks terribly. Even she knows it. The Jedi Exile isn’t stupid just funny. Here goes:

Who would take love advice from a assassin droid?
The Jedi Exile, of course!
But why?
She spent her time during the Mandalorian Wars working with droids. She has great experience in speaking droidspeak. 
When happens next now?
What do you think? Exile takes on HK-47′s advice, of course. She takes a sniper rifle and goes outside to shoot Atton Rand in the knees and says “I love you, Atton!” *do this on Valentine’s Day and your lover will love you back*

Oh, here’s another one:
Who would take advice on how to get a man from a bounty hunter?
The Jedi Exile, of course!
But why?
She’s trying to get Atton’s attention but nothing is working and she doesn’t want to wear her Dancer’s Suit again. Might turn him back to his pervy ways.
What happens next now?
What do you think? Exile takes on Mira’s advice. She dresses like Mira and waits for Atton to check her out. She gives him a uppercut to the chin or jab him with a stunner. While Atton screams in pain, she puts stun cuffs on him. Then locks him in her closet for several days until he opens for suggestion. Then double check his bounty to see if he’s worth anything. (i can imagine Atton Rand fangirls actually doing this to him, lol) *wouldn’t you call this love? see, they make such a good couple when Atton forgets this in several years pass, still they make a great couple* Wanted: Atton Rand, found alive  Reward: his prized Pazaak deck and the Ebon Hawk

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That’s Revan talking when it’s without the quotes. Forgive me people! I’m not trying to hate anyone or love anyone! I’m trying to be funny but my hurmor in things suck rather badly. I’m really bad at comedy. The view of Revan (male/female I don’t care. Does it matter? Hmm, I guess it does so I’m putting both) aboard on the Ebon Hawk. As you can you see from here, everyone is bothering Revan. Jolee is a old man who misplaces stuff. Juhani has mood swings, one second she’s happy, mad, than adores (female) Revan like crazy (you’re catnip to her). Bastila is blah, blah, blah all day long. HK is loyal, I like him. Mission runs around the ship reaking disaster. Zaalbar has a eating disorder. Carth is fun to poke at (revenge on you Atton Haters) emotional, whinny, a bad singer, you name it. LOL, you can tell I like Kotor II than Kotor. Don’t hurt me! Like I said, I DON’T HATE ANYONE!(except Juhani) IT’S A JOKE!

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13 Responses to “18 Things You Don’t Want to Hear or Know on the Ebon Hawk – KOTOR”

  1. MaggOnasi says:

    I like number 8, and his orange jacket is HOT!!
    WANTED: No fangirls chasing after my man!!!

    SORRY SCOTT, I LOVE YOU SWEETY!!!!

  2. RevanBodyguard says:

    that’s right!
    you have a weird taste in colors, sis. i thought your fav color was green!
    and no, orange isn’t hot all! i was wanted to burn Carth’s jacket…
    as you can see, Things you don’t want to hear or know on the Ebon Hawk – Kotor and Kotor 2 are just my boring rants and stuff i made up!

  3. MaggOnasi says:

    Ummm… how do u know my fav color??
    Whats my second??

  4. RevanBodyguard says:

    ummm… i guessed it. did i get it right?
    uh, your second fav color is black, i think…
    my fav colors are blue and purple

  5. MaggOnasi says:

    YOU DID NOT GUESS!!!!!!
    You read it from some where o_O

  6. Darth_Cyvan says:

    number 7 and number 19 FTW!

  7. RevanBodyguard says:

    thank you! that means a lot to a girl that has no sense of hurmor at all!
    hmmm… i shouldn’ve put numbers on the last ones… oh well
    those two were just special extras i’m giving as a treat=D
    and MaggOnsai, maybe i did read it somewhere… or not… who knows?
    i’m not telling!

  8. MaggOnasi says:

    You read it from my youtube page when I put it up…
    whats my third favorite color

  9. idk… and yes i did! there! you’re happy now!?

  10. Nihilus says:

    5 and 8 pwn the rest! Freaking hilarious!

  11. thanks, that means a lot to me, honest to true!

  12. TheCoqui says:

    Thanks for making this. I laughed alot at numbe 11.Also, I like Juhani. Dispite her mood swings and all…

  13. you’re welcome valued reader of this awesome fanfic (that’s not me bragging just fact) as always, you’re entitled to your opinion
    and i had fun writing this XD

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