The Exile walked to the center of the ship where Darth Nihilus, Darth Revan, and General Griveous were standing. He didn’t have to worry about Visas being in danger because she was sleeping safe and sound in their bed, Naked but safe and sound. He continued walking to where they were at. They were staring at a hologram of a very special ship design. Magnifacent isn’t it my new apprentice? Nihilus asked. Yes Nihilus. The Exile said. Now what shall your sith name be my new apprentice? Nihilus asked. I’ll take a few minutes to think about it. The Exile said. Very well. Said Nihilus. The Exile quickly left to were Visas was.
After a few minutes both The Exile and Visas Marr came out and walked back to Nihilus was. Visas followed close behind him. She was wearing a loose black robe that the Exile had provided for her and made so she could easly let it slip from her shoulders and embrace with the Exile naked. As they walked to where Nihilus was he spoke, Have you decided what your new sith name is my new apprentice? Yes. The Exile said. Both Visas and Nihilus looked at him intently just as Darth Revan and General Grevious walked in. Well? Both Nihilus and Visas asked. The Exile answered, I am Darth Viron.
Darth Nihilus’s new apprentice part 4 The apprentice’s new sith name
3 Responses to “Darth Nihilus’s new apprentice part 4 The apprentice’s new sith name”
Fail. Why is General *Grievous doing on the bridge with Nihilus and Revan? Grievous wasn’t around for a few thousand years. Naked does not need to be capitalized and there should be a comma after naked. “At” is a preposition – a sentence should never end is a preposition – it sounds atrocious. “Very special” is not the best choice of words for vivid language. Magnificent is not spelled “Magnifacent”. And when characters speak, you should use quotation marks to box in their lines. And, when describing how characters reply, you sound redundant when you constantly used “said” and “asked.” Once again, you end a sentence poorly with the word “was.” It is completely unnecessary to add in the part about Visas being naked. Hot though she may be, it plays no part in the story. Also, at the end, you state that Grievous and Revan walk on the bridge, when you previously stated they were on the bridge. Also, you spelling of Grievous is inconsistent.
This is all constructive criticism do not take any offense. I am an esteemed writer. I want to help the less fortunate.
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Needs the quotations because I can’t tell if they’re speaking or its part of the sentence. Break out your paragraphs too and explain it more. It makes the story seem like its very rushed when you just have one big paragraph. And naked isn’t supposed to be capitalized. And as hot as Visas is you don’t need to say that ‘her robe was loose so she could take it off and hug him naked?’ Who cares? No one unless you plan on making a sex scene which wouldn’t be that good from what I can tell.