Master Vandar leaped from the far end of the bridge and landed in front of the Sith Lord. Nihilus brought his saber down on the Jedi. Vandar parried his descending blow. The sabers clashed and hissed. “Corrupted you have become! You are as dead as the crew who are locked in your bondage!” Vandar jumped free from the saber lock and landed behind Nihilus. Nihilus spun around, his cape whipping around behind him. “I have unlocked a door in the Force! And through that door I can feed my power until the galaxy trembles at me feet!” Nihilus raised his hand and sent Vandar flying across the ship. The small Jedi hit a window with a thud and fell to the ground. Vandar raised his little head and scowled. Nihilus allowed a hideous smile under his mask. “I do enjoy watching you Jedi squirm.”
Two lightsabers ignited behind Darth Nihilus. The Sith Lord turned his head. Masters Zhar Lestin and Dorak of the Jedi Enclave faced Darth Nihilus. “We will not let you consume this galaxy for your own greed.” Zhar charged the Sith with his orange blade. Nihilus stopped the Jedi in flight and choked him. Dorak glanced over at one of the Force-zombies. He raised the cadaverous man in the air and hurled the levitating body at Nihilus who sidestepped out of the way and dropped Zhar. Vandar was back on his feet. “Forgotten me already?” Nihilus turned around again. Vandar raised his claws and directed all his energy at the Sith. Nihilus tumbled backwards. Dorak charged the fallen Sith. Nihilus jumped up and blocked the purple lightsaber of Dorak. He the clashed blades hovered over Nihilus’ head signaling death, but the Sith was stronger. He pushed the Jedi back and jumped up. “The three of you cannot defeat me here! Not on my own ship!”
Visas Marr watched from her hiding place. Could one Sith kill three Jedi? He seemed to be holding his own. Should she help him? The Jedi did outnumber him. It wasn’t a fair fight. Unless. . . he was just that strong. Visas bit her lips. She couldn’t help Nihilus. He killed her family and ruined her home. But he was all she had left. . . her only chance at becoming strong. And that was the only way she would be able to one day kill him.
Duel on the Ravager 2
2 Responses to “Duel on the Ravager 2”
It isn’t a bad plot, I enjoy the idea; but there is one thing that screams out to me here: it’s not developed. I don’t know if you intend to rewrite it, but the onslaught of simple sentences and the overuse of boring verbs coupled with the lack of paragraph structure makes reading this excerpt unappealing. I’m not certain how old you are, but it may be a decent idea to bring this to your English and ask them to go over how to write more maturely. Keep it up!=D
Ah, thank you for the advice.