Comments on: Darth Nihilus’s new apprentice part 4 The apprentice’s new sith name http://www.old-republic.com/fanfiction/starwars/kotor/visas-marr/darth-nihiluss-new-apprentice-part-4-the-apprentices-new-sith-name Fan fiction from the Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic video games Series, Star War: The Old Republic multiplayer online video game, and the entire Star Wars movies and expanded universe. Fri, 30 Jul 2010 06:44:22 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.0.1 by: DarthSeptic http://www.old-republic.com/fanfiction/starwars/kotor/visas-marr/darth-nihiluss-new-apprentice-part-4-the-apprentices-new-sith-name#comment-1540 Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:52:52 +0000 http://www.old-republic.com/fanfiction/starwars/kotor/visas-marr/darth-nihiluss-new-apprentice-part-4-the-apprentices-new-sith-name#comment-1540 what* what*

]]> by: DarthSeptic http://www.old-republic.com/fanfiction/starwars/kotor/visas-marr/darth-nihiluss-new-apprentice-part-4-the-apprentices-new-sith-name#comment-1539 Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:52:11 +0000 http://www.old-republic.com/fanfiction/starwars/kotor/visas-marr/darth-nihiluss-new-apprentice-part-4-the-apprentices-new-sith-name#comment-1539 Fail. Why is General *Grievous doing on the bridge with Nihilus and Revan? Grievous wasn't around for a few thousand years. Naked does not need to be capitalized and there should be a comma after naked. "At" is a preposition - a sentence should never end is a preposition - it sounds atrocious. "Very special" is not the best choice of words for vivid language. Magnificent is not spelled "Magnifacent". And when characters speak, you should use quotation marks to box in their lines. And, when describing how characters reply, you sound redundant when you constantly used "said" and "asked." Once again, you end a sentence poorly with the word "was." It is completely unnecessary to add in the part about Visas being naked. Hot though she may be, it plays no part in the story. Also, at the end, you state that Grievous and Revan walk on the bridge, when you previously stated they were on the bridge. Also, you spelling of Grievous is inconsistent. This is all constructive criticism do not take any offense. I am an esteemed writer. I want to help the less fortunate. Fail. Why is General *Grievous doing on the bridge with Nihilus and Revan? Grievous wasn’t around for a few thousand years. Naked does not need to be capitalized and there should be a comma after naked. “At” is a preposition - a sentence should never end is a preposition - it sounds atrocious. “Very special” is not the best choice of words for vivid language. Magnificent is not spelled “Magnifacent”. And when characters speak, you should use quotation marks to box in their lines. And, when describing how characters reply, you sound redundant when you constantly used “said” and “asked.” Once again, you end a sentence poorly with the word “was.” It is completely unnecessary to add in the part about Visas being naked. Hot though she may be, it plays no part in the story. Also, at the end, you state that Grievous and Revan walk on the bridge, when you previously stated they were on the bridge. Also, you spelling of Grievous is inconsistent.

This is all constructive criticism do not take any offense. I am an esteemed writer. I want to help the less fortunate.

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