Comments on: Darth Nihilus’s new apprentice part 4 The apprentice’s new sith name

By: Kurlan_Aank

Kurlan_Aank — Wed, 03 Nov 2010 05:29:05 +0000

Needs the quotations because I can’t tell if they’re speaking or its part of the sentence. Break out your paragraphs too and explain it more. It makes the story seem like its very rushed when you just have one big paragraph. And naked isn’t supposed to be capitalized. And as hot as Visas is you don’t need to say that ‘her robe was loose so she could take it off and hug him naked?’ Who cares? No one unless you plan on making a sex scene which wouldn’t be that good from what I can tell.

By: DarthSeptic

DarthSeptic — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:52:52 +0000

what*

By: DarthSeptic

DarthSeptic — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:52:11 +0000

Fail. Why is General *Grievous doing on the bridge with Nihilus and Revan? Grievous wasn’t around for a few thousand years. Naked does not need to be capitalized and there should be a comma after naked. “At” is a preposition – a sentence should never end is a preposition – it sounds atrocious. “Very special” is not the best choice of words for vivid language. Magnificent is not spelled “Magnifacent”. And when characters speak, you should use quotation marks to box in their lines. And, when describing how characters reply, you sound redundant when you constantly used “said” and “asked.” Once again, you end a sentence poorly with the word “was.” It is completely unnecessary to add in the part about Visas being naked. Hot though she may be, it plays no part in the story. Also, at the end, you state that Grievous and Revan walk on the bridge, when you previously stated they were on the bridge. Also, you spelling of Grievous is inconsistent.

This is all constructive criticism do not take any offense. I am an esteemed writer. I want to help the less fortunate.